As everyone in America no doubt knows by now, the Motor City Madman, gun enthusiast and all-around draft-dodging dickhead “patriot” Ted Nugent will be attending tonight’s State of the Union address:
Douglas Anthony Cooper, writing at the Huffington Post, has the right idea of how to use that “We The People” petition thing:
Mr. President, draft the Nuge. Let them know what the Great American Satan looks like turned up to eleven.
Imagine you’re a shy, cave-dwelling Talibanista, and you’re confronted by a yowling Motor City staple of classic rock radio stations, shouldering a bazooka and clutching the Second Amendment and making that face that you see on the cover of Cat Scratch Fever.
(How do you say “gosh, that’s quite something” in Pashto?)
President Obama, you owe it to the United States of America to draft this hunk o’ has-been rockstar. Let the Nuge serve proudly and loudly on the front lines, before the war ends and he is forever denied this headlining gig.
Moreover, it is time to clear the Nugent name. As the Ted Nugent Draft is shouted from the mountaintops, let there also be proclaimed a bitchin’ presidential pardon, forgiving Mr. Nugent for whatever caused him regretfully to decline active duty during the Vietnam War.
You’re good to go, Ted. No cowardice in your past, and none in your future.
And when the last of the troops comes home, Colonel, we’ll leave you to Wango Tango in Tora Bora, armed to the canines, and you can personally scour the caves for left-over bad guys: solo like Rambo. You’ll have all the big-bored gun tech you could possibly dream of. There ain’t no ban in the ‘Stan—you won’t be prosthetically neutered by chickenshit small-capacity liberals. This will be the unfettered Nuge, a one-man death-dealin’, cat-scratchin’ war machine: the guy immortalized by Guitar World magazine for playing #7 in the “100 Worst Guitar Solos” of all time. Surely it’s time to add to that honor a posthumous purple heart.
To sign the “Draft Ted Nugent” petition, please click on: